Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
