How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
