Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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