ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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