But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
