I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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