Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
