I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
