i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
