make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
