Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
