my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need a sexual gate keeper
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When are your genitals available?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize