I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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