Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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