I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
