did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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