some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
it glows. i had to have it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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