My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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