Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
