Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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