It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
