I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
