I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
