I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
