If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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