she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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