when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Pants are for mortals
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I touched a dick in church today
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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