in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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