im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
