Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
