you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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