Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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