this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
