i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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