I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize