I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
