I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
false alarm, still single
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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