the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my being single is dangerous.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
