Just took my morning after pill in the library
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
