I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
