He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
