3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
