you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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