Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
