im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
