We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
