Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
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Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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