SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
