You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
