I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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