3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
