How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
zippers are such a cool invention
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize