At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
