Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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