Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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