I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
