I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
