what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
