So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just had sex on a roof
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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