Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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